An interview with Sybil

Cara Carrington of Channel Seven News sat down with Ahnwee Mayor Sybil Voss, her campaign advisors Ruby and Sig, about her hopeless campaign for the County Board.

Cara Carrington: Mayor, why are you running for County Board?

Sybil: Well, I want to save Ahnwee. Seems like everyone either wants to tear it down, or doesn’t care if it gets town down, or doesn’t know the town exists. Mostly the latter.

Cara Carrington: Wait—you want to “Save Ahnwee”? That town that smells like pig shit? I thought you wanted to “Shave” it. Like a Brazilian.

Sybil: No, the “Shave” thing is a typo. I have to quit using Let’s Go Crazy Printz in Despar.

Cara Carrington: Well, that’s disappointing. You ever have a Brazilian? Sure, looks nice, but so itchy.

Ruby: Can we talk about Ahnwee?

Cara Carrington: So Ahnwee is doomed. Your campaign is doomed. Is your goal to say goodbye to your town before the bulldozers come?

Sybil: No, I don’t want to say goodbye. I want to stop everyone from tearing down our town.

Cara Carrington: Why?

Sybil: Why? Well, it’s our town. We mostly like it here. It’s got a long, rich history, having been founded by Maximilian Schroeder Jr. in the 1800s when he built a resort on beautiful Lake Ahnwee…

Cara Carrington: The lake that glows in the dark?

Sybil: Well, yeah, but it didn’t glow in the dark then. Anyway, he founded the town with German immigrants pursuing the American Dream…

Cara Carrington: Were they illegals?

Sybil: What? No! Well, who knows. I don’t think so…

Ruby: What kind of question is that? Can we stick to the campaign?

Cara Carrington: You are running against long-time board member Harry Balzac. He says you are a godless, lesbian, communist.

[Long pause.]

Sig: Is there a question there?

Cara Carrington: Do you think being a godless, lesbian, communist will hurt your chances in the election?

Sybil: No—I mean—I’m not a “godless, lesbian, communist,” not that there’s anything wrong with at least the first two.

Cara Carrington: To prepare for our interview, I talked to Mayor Jon Fjord of Despar.

[A long pause.]

Sybil: OK. And?

Cara Carrington: Is he single?

Sig: Petunia

Ruby: Christ on a bike, Carrington, can we talk about the campaign?

Cara Carrington: Keep your muumuu on. OK. So, Bjorn Bjorkman wants to turn your town into a pig shit pond. Are you for or against that?

Sybil: Against. Firmly against.

Cara Carrington: Why? What do you have against the small farmer? Speaking of small, how about you? Little guy? What do you think?

Sig: Daisy—What do I think? I think I’m going to open up a can-—

[The interview ends when the camera falls over and crashing and yelling is heard.]